Mailbag, er, Wednesday

Bethany writes, “Ecumenical relationships. How are we to go about such relationships and conversations -- being proud of our shared heritage? Blending in and becoming more like our new friends to make them feel welcome in our worship?”

Dearest Bethany,

Ecumenical relationships have been terribly strained recently due to lack of unified vision and celebratory receptions held in honor of our great institutional decisions! 

You see, Bethany, I find the age-old trouble of ecumenism within the old hymn titled, “God’s Word is our Great Heritage.” It is terribly disheartening to see this hymn included even in the new Evangelical Lutheran Worship (BNC-ELW #509)!  The Divine Words are so often misinterpreted in thought, word, and deed that we must separate ourselves from such divisive nonsense!  There are so many unfortunate souls who rest on this antiquated notion we can come together on “God’s Word.”  How could we possibly find a means of ecumenism based on a book that was only ever agreed upon among dead church patriarchs like Origen and Athanasius and at committees like the 393 Synod of Hippo.  Even those committees were not carefully made up of a diversity of representatives including women, those of alternative sexualities, Hispanics, and liberals!  Completely untrustworthy! 

 

Their decisions have caused nothing but division and heartache for us. Therefore, in order to turn over a new leaf, we here at the BNC are dropping all hints of our former Lutheranism, so-called “Biblical” and “Confessional” commitments, etc.  With such things behind us we are on the cutting edge of “Reformed and ever Reforming!”  Semper Reformanda: A New Age!  Now we seek up those things of commonality among us all:

Vestments!

Liturgical Dance!

The Unity of Holy Eucharist!

Non-Gender Specific Pronouns!

Banners!

Handicrafts!

Potluck Dinners and Coffee!

So now let it be said that Divine Tolerance, Unity, and free Love is our Great Heritage!  So it is now written, so it must be done.

We are a tapestry of bright colors of the rainbow – a people of no commitments and loads of spirituality!  We are a church committed to ecumenism based on those things we can agree on!  And, at the end of the day, if you won’t accept the views of the BNC, then it’s pretty clear who the divisive one is. 

Peter writes, “I know in the church we have all these festivals for long dead saints we don't really know, like St Lawrence or Santa Lucia, and we give the Reformers a Sunday in October, but even they have been dead for 500 years. Is there any way we could start celebrating on a denominational level some of the more recently dead saints whose contributions to proclaiming the Gospel we're more familiar with? People like Bonhoeffer, Elert and Forde and the others?”

Oh my Dear Peter!

What a fascinating question!  You are such an inquisitive member of our Brave New Church and I give thanks for your presence!

Now, there are two issues at stake here that I find of tremendous importance.

First, we do have a lovely slew of old Saints like St. Lawrence, St. Lucia, St. Olaf, St. Anselm, and the like.  But we must remember these saints of old are dead and gone.  The beauty of their absence is that we no longer have to listen to the things they said that we don’t like!  Death of the saints is a Holy Mute Button given to us by the Hand of the Divine so that we can focus most acutely on the sayings of these people that we desire to hear.  A saint is a dead person revised and properly edited so we have the appropriate role model!

The trouble with modern saints is that we have not yet achieved critical distance to the do the cleanup work necessary for use in our church liturgy.  There are still people living who actually knew Bonhoeffer, Elert, Forde, and others and the BNC is keeping a close watch on them.  We must be vigilant to note patterns of influence rendered by their body of work, life, and death!  For example, in the case of Gerhard Forde, he is a recently published author but also recently deceased.  Many of his students still speak out in support of his male-pronoun, non-inclusive, confessionally minded blather.  While we are aware that there are many in Missouri and Wisconsin Synod Lutheranism that find Forde far too liberal for their taste (which is at least a few point in the positive column), we are still concerned that he is idolized by such groups as the LCMC, NALC, and other breakaway rogue church bodies.  Obviously Forde among others have not achieved critical Mute Button distance.  So we wait. 

Until then, those modern day saints we choose to lift up include the following for their incisive work and quotable soundbites of great theological insight:

“They say there's a heaven for those who will wait. Some say it's better, but I say it ain't. I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Sinners are much more fun...” Billy Joel

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust

“To be conscious of Being, you need to reclaim consciousness from the mind. This is one of the most essential tasks on your spiritual journey.” Eckhart Tolle

“At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it”. Thich Nhat Hanh

“I say quite deliberately that the Christian religion, as organized in its churches, has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world.” Bertrand Russell

“For nearly a hundred years, we have known that the material world is an illusion. Everything that seems solid - a rock, a tree, your body - is actually 99.999% empty space.” Deepak Chopra

“God wants us to prosper financially, to have plenty of money, to fulfill the destiny He has laid out for us.” Joel Osteen

“We’re going to Australia!” Oprah Winfrey

If you can think of any way to include these modern figures into our daily liturgy or lectionary, your input is most welcomed!

Eileen writes, “Dear Bishop Barbie, I hope I'm not too late for the Monday Mailbag. The Brave New Church is exciting and I really would like to be active in this BNC.  There may be one problem (well, I hope it won't be a problem).  I've been reading your postings and know of your leadership in being completely accepting of all persons, especially, LGBTQAP³.  You also write that you are looking at ways to include the Narcissamory/Self-Love, Two-Spirit, and Objectum Sexuality. I happen to be a woman -  married for quite some time to, dare I say it, a man.  Yes, Bishop Barbie, I am involved in a heterosexual relationship .  Is there a place in that acronym for me?  

Also - do you do supply?  Keep expanding our horizons, Bishop Barbie”

My Darling Eileen!

I am so pleased to know of your commitment to full inclusion!  Naturally this means you, yourself, strive for acceptance in our Brave New Church and we seek to welcome you in many and wonderful ways.  There are a variety of ways you can serve us and you may take the time to print, check off, and mail the following to the BNC Headquarters for review and assignment.

==============================================

Time and Talent BNC Pledge and Appropriations Worksheet

“Since, then, we have such a hope, we act with great boldness.” 2 Cor 3:12

Instructions: Listed on both sides of this form are a variety of opportunities to give of your spiritual gifts through the pledging of time and talent. If you have a question about any of the opportunities to serve please contact the BNC Home Office.  Please complete one Time and Talent Pledge sheet for each family member.  If you need extra sheets, they are available in the Church office or may be downloaded off our website (www.bishopbarbie00.blogspot.com). Thank you in advance for the generous giving of your time and talent. Please join us in praying that we will all be strengthened to serve and give and appropriate your time, talents, and resources to their greater use in our Brave New Church.

Name:

Address:

Phone:

E-mail:

Blood Type:

Donor (circle one):   Yes    No

Personal Hobbies:

Social Justice Organizations I am involved with:

I self identify as:

􀀀 Bisexual

􀀀 Gay

􀀀 Lesbian

􀀀 Transgendered

􀀀 Androgynous

􀀀 Genderqueer

􀀀 Transitioning

􀀀 Exploring

􀀀 Uncertain

􀀀 Pansexual

􀀀 Narcissamorous

􀀀 Objectum Sexual

􀀀 Other

I self-identify as:

􀀀 African-American

􀀀 Asian

􀀀 Native American

􀀀 Hispanic

􀀀 Alternative Non-European

􀀀 Combination of the above

􀀀 None of the Above

I self-identify in the following liquid economic bracket:

􀀀 $0- $2500

􀀀 $2501- $5000

􀀀 $5001- $10,000

􀀀 $10,001- $50,000

􀀀 $50,001- $75,000

􀀀 $75,001- $100,000

􀀀 $100,001- $250,000

􀀀 $250,001- $500,000

􀀀 $500,001- $1,000,000

􀀀 $1,000,000+

I self-identify as the following:

􀀀 Democrat

􀀀 Green

􀀀 Socialist

􀀀 Communist

􀀀 Peace and Freedom Party

􀀀 Pirate Party of the United States

􀀀 Prohibition Party

􀀀 Socialist Equality Party

􀀀 United States Marijuana Party

􀀀 Workers Party

􀀀 Independent

􀀀 Working Families Party

􀀀 Libertarian

􀀀 Republican

􀀀 Tea Party

Please answer the following questions

I struggle with:

I find the following verses or stories in Scripture to be of relative importance and/or I am currently wrestling with the following:

I feel the following when I see this photograph:

 

􀀀 Confident

􀀀 Amazed

􀀀 Accepting

􀀀 Great

􀀀 Overjoyed

􀀀 Thankful

􀀀 Peaceful

􀀀 Important

􀀀 Festive

􀀀 Playful

􀀀 Liberated

􀀀 Optimistic

􀀀 Full of Spirit

􀀀 Clever

􀀀 Jubilant

􀀀 Free and Easy

􀀀 Reassured

􀀀 Dynamic

􀀀 Helpless

􀀀 Incapable

􀀀 Paralyzed

􀀀 Pained

􀀀 Fatigued

􀀀 Desperate

􀀀 Vulnerable

􀀀 Hesitant

􀀀 Despair

􀀀 Frustrated

􀀀 Tragic

􀀀 Pessimistic

􀀀 Dominated

􀀀 Dismayed

􀀀 In a Stew

􀀀 Lonely

􀀀 Grieved

􀀀 Secure

NEW MEMBER SOLICITATION AND ORIENTATION

􀀀 Attend BNC New Member Welcome Dinner

􀀀 Provide Food for BNC New Member Dinner

􀀀 Canvas Neighborhood for BNC Members

􀀀 Pie Ministry (Prepare and/or Deliver)

MUSIC

􀀀 BNC Glee Club

􀀀 Barbershop Quartet

􀀀 Proficient in modern instrument 

    (Electric Guitar, Bass, Drums, Accordion, or Saxophone)

􀀀 Cow Bell Choir

ARTS

􀀀 Banner making

􀀀 Sanctuary Decorating

􀀀 Fellowship Hall Decorating

􀀀 Handicrafts

I am willing to participate in or lead the following groups:

􀀀 ELCA: Counting the Losses

􀀀 Friday Night Date Night

􀀀 Young Activists Group

􀀀 BNC Youth

􀀀 Liturgical Dance Team/Ministry of Embodiment

􀀀 BNC Workers Union

􀀀 Powerful Women of the BNC

􀀀 BNC Intelligence Agency (some field  work required)

􀀀 Coffee Hour Preparation

 =============================================

**At this time we are not accepting any new traditionally married heterosexual couples in significant leadership roles.  I do hope you understand that we strive to ensure equality at all levels of the BNC which means we must place you and your male counterpart on the Holy Sidelines for a few seasons.  As a consequence, we also find no reason to add ‘H’ to our acronym, as it promotes a medieval sense of oppression upon the masses who have alternative yet equally valid orientations – those who we find existing in the promised land of acceptance within our BNC acronym: LGBTQAP³

P.S. I do supply on occasion.  But I require a very specialized pulpit and liturgical accoutrement for the occasion.

Mailbag Monday Part II

Bonnie writes, “Any ministry opportunities linked to the new TLC series on polygamy, ‘Sister Wives’?”

-AND-

Cathi writes, “I second Bonnie Nordvall's suggestion re missional implications and approaches related to Sister Wives. This descendent of sister-wife great-great grandmothers thanks God for a conversion journey began in an LCMS VBS a bit over half a century ago, and cannot wait to see the series, not to mention what BpB and others at 8765 (such as friends in the Ecumenical and Interreligious Affairs Office) would have to say on the topic.”

The premiere episode introduces viewers to Kody Brown, his three wives Meri, Janelle and Christine, and their thirteen children. They live in a ranch-style home that, although interconnected, is subdivided into three separate apartments that give each wife their own bedroom, kitchen and living space. Eventually, Kody and his wives tell the children he is courting a fourth wife, Robyn Sullivan, who herself already has three children. Meanwhile, the wives explain they do not plan to force their children into polygamist lifestyles or arrange their marriages for them, but rather will encourage them to make their own choices. The children attend a polygamist cooperative school, while Kody and Janelle both work full-time as Meri pursues a long-delayed college degree. The family discusses their strong spiritual faith, and the episode includes both blessings at dinner and an evening family prayer. The episode also highlights the fact that Brown operates on a rotating schedule that dictates which wife he will spend the night with. Although Brown has sex with all three of his wives, they make clear the women never sleep with each other, a concept they consider immoral. The episode ends with Kody going on a date with Robyn.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sister_Wives)  

Oh my darling Bonnie!

You are so brilliant to ask for my holy insight into these societal and cultural movements of our day! 

The new TLC educational event, “Sister Wives” is of major importance to our Brave New Church, which is why we are scheduling “Sister Wives Wednesday’s” in place of the usual Wednesday evening confirmation and other youth events.  Each church is expected to piece together a comfortable, relationally conducive atmosphere including the at least 2-3 of each of the following:

Display:

Flat Screen HD equipped TV

Projector

Pull-down screen

Internet/FIOS/Cable capabilities

 Seating:

Couch

Futon

Bean Chair

Stadium Seating

Snacks:

Fair Trade Pretzels

Fair Trade Chocolate

Various Fair Trade Dried Fruits and Nuts

Blue M&M’s

Jiffy Pop

Additional Resources:

BNC Approved Bible

BNC Approved Sister Wives Study and Discussion Guide

You see, Bonnie, the ministry opportunity available because of this Brave New Series is manifold!  Our culture has told so many people within our churches that relationships are limited to one man and one woman when in reality there are many men and many women who desire relationships! 

While we’re still stuck in the mode of many women and only one man, it is certainly a step in the right direction!  Soon we will have the sort of free Love endorsed by the Brave New Church where all men, women, and others at all times and places will be able to enjoy the right to the deep Love and relationships created through sexual congress!

 

It is our responsibility and great joy to share the many possibilities and variations of sexual relationships available which naturally results in deep feelings of Love which we know brings a smile the face of the Divine!  And isn’t that the sole purpose of our existence: finding joy in sex and Love to create a Divine smile! 

Julie writes, “In the grand hierarchy of creation, does having a horn sticking out of your head indicate a higher state if being than having a miter sticking out of your head?”

Dearest Julie,

Naturally, as the Mailbag Monday Part I post would indicate, a horn on the front of your head is a marvelous means of pointing heavenward toward the Divine!  But I must say I had not yet considered the possibility of a miterhorn!  Naturally I have hiked the Austrian Miterhorn in all its Divine glory, but I had not yet considered a miterhorn implant!

Oh the holiness such a holy implant would provide!  A prosthetic for those who have been handicapably limited from spirituality! 

Rebecca writes, “I keep hearing that as long as something doesn't harm someone else, it should be ok to do it, even if scripture says otherwise. But... if I break the first three commandments, I don't really hurt anyone but God... so please explain why I should keep the first three commandments when it's not really hurting anyone if I don't. Thanks!”

Oh my Rebecca,

I feel as though you nearly stumped me!  But then I quickly remembered the Divine Spark we each have within us which is why we ought to keep even the first three commandments! 

For example, the first commandment according to the Small Catechism reads the following:

I am the LORD the Divine. You shall have no other Divinity except for mine.

You must recognize the Divine in all men, women, children, places, and things!  If you do not you are hurting the Divine within Me AND within you!  The same goes for your tone of voice.  For example, I have heard that for every adoring fan of me and the BNC there are those who call me coward and sniping – how hurtful to my Holiness!  It hurts the Divinity (extra Divine – I’m ordained as a BISHOP!) within me that so many use my name in a tone of malice instead of Love!  The name Bishop Barbie shall only be spoken in a tone of Divine Deference, tolerance, unity, and Love!

Furthermore, it is my right to demand you respect the terribly challenging nature of my work!  You should at all times and in all places respect my need for three days of rest per week and at least three months of vacation per year! 

Thank you Rebecca.  Your question allowed me to address a number of Divine issues that were bubbling up deep inside my Holiness.

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Mailbag Monday Part I

Mike writes, "Your Eminencess--sometimes it seems to me that the BNC is simply the praying wing of the Democratic Party. Am I wrong? Or are there any BNC positions that a conscientiously-bound conservative like me could support? OR am I and others like me simply in need of reprogramming? Exile? Is there a camp where you would send me?"

Oh my Dear Mike! 

How intuitive you are to see the commitment we have toward the liberal elite – the true chosen party of the Divine! The BNC is working around the clock against every evil scheme of the conservative agenda, seeking to free those like you who are in bondage to Reaganomics and other injustices and cannot free yourself! Furthermore, you have the entire relationship backwards. The Democratic Party is the Justice Wing of Social Action OF THE BNC! You appear to doubt our reach?

But I am concerned you use such terribly excessive language such as “Exile” and “Reprogramming.” Gracious! We shall do no such thing! Rather, we plan to redirect your being toward a new program! Indeed, we have created a new camp just for people who struggle with compulsive conservative impulses!

This new Program is facilitated by the same fine church leaders who create New Image Weight Loss Camp and Scientology for Kids summer camps nationwide! During the initial 7-Day Detox we provide a proprietary schedule of sleep deprivation and ketogenic foodstuffs to calm the neuropaths which influence your political and theological predilections. Mornings begin at 4 a.m. with 3 hours of yoga led by guru specialists flown in from Central Asia followed by a brisk plunge in our lake – the lake which previous successful campers dug and filled as their capstone project toward the beginning of summer! Much of your day will be spent in special lessons from a variety of BNC leaders and educators with special media hours for your viewing pleasure.

Please see an example of the fine work our BNC Experience has caused in even our most difficult cases:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T89dQxMbiUA

An example of your daily meal includes watching your leaders consume the following on your behalf while you pray for release from your captive soul:

Breakfast: Scrambled egg and apple sauce meal

45 grams whole raw egg

15 grams butter

3 grams nuts

30 grams raw granny smith apple

13 grams fresh olive oil

10 grams regular butter

5 grams thickened Farmers’ Union cream

Lunch: Creamy bacon meal

20 grams raw green capsicum

20 grams raw celery

20 grams raw brown onion

64 grams 35% ideal dairy cream

27 grams lean middle bacon

22 grams Sundew margarine

Dinner: Chicken and vegetable stir-fry

30 grams peeled raw carrot

30 grams raw green capsicum

30 grams raw broccoli

14 grams raw brown onion

23 grams lean raw chicken breast

42 grams olive oil

5 grams commercial soy sauce

As you grow in peace, tolerance, unity, justice, and free Love every day we offer you more and more privileges. After each lecture we allow you to check your progress by means of an E-Meter which audits you Justice and Love-based progress. These specialized machines are on loan from the kind people at the Dianetics Institute of California (Bishop Hanson is close friends with John Travolta and Tom Cruise, allowing such a terrific deal!). Please see more at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-meter. Note that while this machine notes your progressive electrical response to a variety of questions, there is no pain involved – only the joy of true Love and recovery!

So join us, Mike, as we journey together faithfully on the road to recovery!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Mary writes, “Bishop Barbie, Not only are you setting the pace for spiritual and social reform in the BNC, but you are making a fashion statement. Who is your designer? Have you considered developing a line of clerical clothing? Marketing such trendy ready-to-wear could assist the BNC making another progressive post-modern move -- promoting prosperity theology.”

-AND-

Steve writes, “Being an average- or even rather homely-looking person, I must object to your picture-perfect looks. Aren't you being just a little too 'lookist' for the BNC? And is that look in your eyes full radical inclusion or some come-hither deal?”

Oh my darlings Mary and Steve!

I am so glad you see my commitment to whole evangelism and church life! Really, if you are going to act as a Brave New Leader you simply must exist as a Bravely Fashionable person!

The express purpose of fashion is to draw the sights of all men, women, and others into a glorious vision of humanity as we represent tolerance, unity, and free Love! Here are a few examples of ways we have reinterpreted the symbolic nature of the tab collar to show better how we are all part of the Priesthood of All Believers! Even Pop Stars have joined our movement!

You see, Steve, it is imperative that you resolve your homeliness. We here at the Brave New Church simply cannot abide the unattractive in positions of leadership. How else will our critical mass of followers find us attractive if we have not yet undergone the proper makeover and plastic assessment? “Lookist” is never a naughty word, my dear. The “come hither” look you see in my eyes is simply modernspeak for “Come! All are Welcome! All are included! Come hither and join us in our journey toward free Love!”

Will you join me in our Fashionable Journey at the BNC HQ? The Catwalk is simply rife with opportunity!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Eric writes, “Does life consist of anything greater than myself?”

Oh, my dearest Eric!

What an open-minded question! Naturally life consists of something greater than yourself! There are concepts like Justice, Unity, Tolerance, and Love to attend – and do you know where you can participate in all these things in a manner of being greater than just your little old self? That’s right! In the Brave New Church!

Now, it all does begin in the greatness of yourself, whereas you may meditate and look deep inside your being to find the spark of Divinity. In faith, you have Chosen to give the Divine permission to become One with you, empowering your sense of self and self-in-the-world. This is the first step toward becoming greater than yourself – choosing to step beyond the tools you were first given at birth.

Next is declaring membership in the BNC. Once you are one of Us, you have many opportunities to donate money, time, and much energy to our organization! To begin, please place a handkerchief on your computer screen over this blog page and pray with me:

Oh Mother Wisdom Divine,

I pray that You make me Greater than my current Being.

Please grant everlasting Justice, Unity, and Love

to me and all others in this world.

Please bless the Brave New Church in their ongoing work.

Butterfly Kisses from the Earth,

This prayer will be more effective if you can speak it in a language that does not exist in the West. Then wrap a $50.00 bill in this kerchief, mail it to our BNC HQ and wait for an outpouring of personal growth and blessing creating a greater self for you than there was before!
 

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

 

Donavon writes, “Will my theological unicorn go to heaven with me?”
 

-AND-
 

Jon writes, “Related to Donavon's question: will Princess Unicorn go to heaven? "My horn can pierce the sky!"

Oh my darling Mr. Donavon and Jon!
You two are like my own little boys at Christmas! My own little ones occasionally worry that G.I. Joe may not go to the Divine Rest with them, and there has been some recent concern over puppies and kittens alike.
But to answer your question: YES. Oh my goodness, a thousand times over, YES!
 

The Unicorn is such a powerful representation of the Divine Spirituality poured out for us like Butterfly Kisses from Heaven! Even the beautiful horn points straight to the Spiritual Realm which we all seek to achieve daily, nightly, and ever so rightly! In fact, many days I put on my faux horn just to remind myself of my own spiritual powers and abilities (granted by virtue of my Bishopess Ordination into the Historic and Bishopric Episcopate!). Sadly, though, I wore the horn to bed one night and it accidentally pierced a leaping kitten. Needless to say, my dear little ones and I had to have a difficult conversation about where all theological unicorns go who claim the souls of cute kittens.
Does this effectively answer your query, my dears?
 

A Brave New Family

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Mailbag, er, Tuesday!

My Darlings I must apologize!  I was away observing the joyous events of the Town Hall Meeting which put my Monday posting behind.  Could you ever forgive me?

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven, 

Bishop Barbie

 
Kay writes, “Dear Bishop Barbie, your Pinkishness,

From the ELCA Churchwide Office BIBLE-READINGS@LISTSERV.ELCA.ORG today was sent the following reading from 2 Kings 17:24-41 (that is in the Bible, in case you forgot). 

"The king of Assyria brought people from Babylon, Cuthah, Avva, Hamath, and Sepharvaim, and placed them in the cities of Samaria in place of the people of Israel; they took possession of Samaria, and settled in its cities. When they first settled there, they did not worship the Lord; therefore the Lord sent lions among them, which killed some of them. ..."

This goes on to tell what God does to those who worship other gods.  How does our Brave New Church explain this reading, in light of the prayers to the goddess Sophia that have been offered by some bishops of the BNC? Anxiously and breathlessly awaiting your answer.

My dearest Kay,

 

What an insightful question!  We here at the BNC find ourselves in the 7^th Level of Heaven when we hear of our constituents reading through the Book of Faith!  I trust you are using our Book of Faith resources?  If not, please see the following link for an exegetical pick-me-up:

 

http://www.bookoffaith.org/default.htm

 

Now, you sound like you are in need of pastoral care – perhaps a Ministry of Divine Presence?  Operators here at the BNC HQ are waiting to take your call! 

 

Your fears and concerns appear to be related to the notion that the Divine would kill those who speak the Divine name wrongly.  We here at the BNC have recognized such confusion about the name of the Divine and resolved to create a liturgical committee to study such matters.  We have discovered the following:

 

The reason for Divine wrath was because of the SPECIFICITY of the names used!  Those who sought to speak to the Divine used improper and undesirable language about the Divine so that the Divine felt like the Divine was being mocked (no different than my kids on the playground, I suspect). 

 

In order to avoid messy lion scenarios and bad press, we here at the BNC are committed to avoiding all lion-related problems by using only adjectival descriptions of the Divine!  Furthermore, in the case that Jesus is not the Anointed One, we simply refer exclusively to the Child of God as “the Christ” or “Christ the Lord.”  After all, mentioning the name “Jesus” simply causes confusion and discomfort, does it not?  In the same vein, referring to Sophia simply pronounces how we believe the Divine to be the summation of all Wisdom!  Naturally we desire to avoid insulting the Divine and reaping such terrible wrath.  Therefore, we have expanded our nomenclatural repertoire to the benefit of widening our diverse Believer Base!  The new rules are as follows:

 

1.    Adjectives Only

2.    Gender specifics out

3.    The More Diverse, the Better!

 

I hope you will join us, Kay, as we seek greater diversity, tolerance, and unity in utilizing the full of rainbow of names available for the Divine!  After all, you don’t want to be Lion Food, do you?

 

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

 

 

Arte writes, "What are your thoughts on these new synods? Which is the true "Lutheran" church?"

Oh my Arne,

Silly you!  Synod simply comes from compounding two Greek words into one (See? Merger!):

1.   “SYN” which means “Together”

2.   “HODOS” which means “Way” or “the Course”

So, together we find the way!  Remember, the BNC is founded entirely on togetherness and free communion with all.  We must seek ways to see together at all costs!

Generally, we here at the Brave New Church HQ choose to ignore the antics of these “alternative” “Lutheran” sects.  Every now and again, however, we discover leaders, clergy, and other membership behaving non-hoditically and non-cooperatively.  This is terrible treachery!  For as many times as we have sent in Bishops and other staff to properly re-educate and bring these dissenters back into the line of vision we share, there are some who simply cannot be saved.  Have you ever read Stephen King’s Quitters Inc.?  There are simply some who cannot be managed.  While we do not resort to methods of violence (we are full of Love, after all!) we must maintain the holiness and purity of our church and keep a pure roll of employees and copacetic membership.

The true Lutheran church is the church that does not feel the need to call itself Lutheran!  True Lutherans will seek to become unified in a tolerant and Loving front at all costs – even if it means we occasionally must ask some of our leaders to move on to other forms of employment and existence.  These new synods are really no synods at all, my dear Arte.  They are the runoff of those who were unable to be convinced that radical tolerance, unity, and free Love are the Way of the Divine!  Sadly, those “synods” are nothing more than groups of intolerant, angry, homophobic, and mostly white individuals.  We wish them well and when they choose to modify their behavior we shall slowly reintroduce them to our faithful, Loving community.

Arte, please inform my staff as soon as possible the position you are in regarding church membership.  We wish to support you however you come!  All are welcome!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Anonymous writes:

“Dear Her Holiness Bishop Barbie,

I keep noticing the expansion of the inclusivity nomials—GLBTQIA…--and am wondering when those who decide such things (You?) will include polyamors, pedophiles and beastials within the rainbow of sexually diverse orientations?

Also, at the secular university where I live, the G and L are always reversed.  I’m not sure if this is because women are superior or “ladies first.”  What do you think? Also, what about all these titles?  Aren’t we really trying to achieve full egalitarian equality?”

Dearest Anonymous,

 

I am so pleased to note your commitment to our increasingly welcome worshiping environment! 

 

Indeed, when the nomenclature was first introduced, the title read, “GLB,” then “GLBT,” now “GLBTQ” and in the most progressive and welcomgin communities it is “LGBTQ.”  The reason for the switch between the ‘L’ and ‘G’ has nothing to do with gender protocols, but with justice.  My dear, those who gender-identify as “female,” have often been oppressed by those who gender-identify as “male.”  Placing the ‘L’ first is yet another subtle way of empowering the oppressed by placing them first in line! 

 

We here at the Brave New Church Headquarters are working around the clock to manage the flood of new research done on the gender, sexuality, and other variables in order to be most welcoming.  You have mentioned Polyamors and Pedophiles and we have adjusted these titles to P³.  Although you mentioned “Bestiality” which has received such a terribly bad name over time, so we have renamed animal love “Aniamory” and its subsequent “A” to the acronym.  At this point we have only managed to title the expanding welcome sect to:

 

LGBTQAP³

 

 

However, we are looking into the near additions of Narcissamory/Self-Love, Two-Spirit, and Objectum Sexuality.  After all, who are we to judge individual sexual, romantic, gender, and role preference?  In fact, we look forward to the day when all people, places, and things will be able to self identify either as an Androgyn or Genderqueer in order to level all self-expressions of person, sexuality, and interest.  The day shall come when all people shall be judged by the quality of their character and no longer by their personal gender and sexual preferences! 

 

Dearest Anonymous, I hope I have managed to spearhead your question and give you hope toward a Brave New Future!

 

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie