Lifestyles of the Bish and Famous

Selena threw a fit this morning cause I called her Serena.  WTFrick?  I tell her the Japanese can’t do their L’s… or is R’s… either way, she’s going through Sensitivity Training if she wants to keep on this ship. 

Big news that Michelle Obama and 60 of her closest friends are in Spain on a $375K Bonita Va-catz-eeyon.  Fox news is going bananas and I’d bet my last peso – wait, that’s Meheeco – that Rush is in a worse way than Selena. 

My God, this is ridiculous.  Michelle, take it from me:

The people want to see you succeeding. They want to experience success through you.  Or me, in this case.

Just like the good old days when the old Roman Catholic priests would do the mass for the people.  Now we’re taking regular vacations for them!  Nice gig if you can get it. 

So back in January all us Bishops went over to the Holy Land – Jordan and Palestine.  I know, Prophetic, right?  Check the pics sometime.  I made sure everyone knew we were up there for meditation, study, and all that jazz.  Between all the clubbing and sweet digs, we got a few photo ops.  All of us got our blood tested – no not for holiness – for HIV/AIDS.   Like any of us have that?  But it looks good.  Encourage everyone else – its like a game of follow the leader but this time, we're in it for blood.  Death and suffering is bad, but AIDS is awful and Israel is worse.

Michelle, get your shiznat together.  Rock your wardrobe and give some blood.  The crowds will go wild – they’re thrilled you’re taking the vacation they can’t afford.  I’ll be putting this on letterhead ASAP to the White House.  Hopefully you get it overnight before vacay is over. 

BTW, isn’t Malia pissed you made her stay with Daddy?  The Bishops here at Higgins always leave their rugrats with the Bish who drew the short straw.

Meds

I finally managed to wrench the blog from Hanson's little fingers.  It's been tough settling into my new role here at Higgins.  Bishop Hanson can't swallow the new game in town, but hey, I'm only here to help. 

So it’s been kind of a slow day – exactly the kind I like to avoid.  Doesn’t look good for my people.  But hey, so long as they know I spent hours in meditation, right?  Meditation is one those funny things.  You can look serene and quiet and full of peace when really you’re catching a nap.  Just don’t drool.    

My buddy Thich Nhat Hahn taught me a few tricks of the trade.  I mean, he actually does meditate and think on the big questions, but I like to do that on letterhead.  We were out at some muckety-muck event with the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop of Canterbury when I walked up to Thich and said, “So, Thich, I work for Bishop Hahnsohn.”  Guy practically split his monk suit.  After a few drinks, he gave me my own direct line – sez I keep him grounded. 

Plus he’s my #1 go-to for coming up with great soundbytes and headers.  Just Google the guy and you get stacks of quotes to mess around with.  Like last week, I read where he said, “Breath is the bridge which connects life to consciousness, which unites your body to your thoughts.” Unity, man. It’s what’s gonna keep the boat floating.  So I made a few adjustments and the header says, “Prayer is the bridge which connects our life to Christ, which unites the Body to His thoughts.”  Sounds great, right?  I throw that out there and 72 people “liked” it on Facebook and the seminarians are twittering so loud their profs can hardly get in a word.  

So a few weeks later Thich and I meet up at a great motel party and he shows me some great medi-moves.  Religious guys have to do that sometimes – get away from the populace.  My assistant always makes the rez at some dumpy dump place in the burbs so if there’s ever some kid out doing “ministry” with his camera it’ll look good in the mockup.  “Meeting God where it counts” or some candy-sweet headline. 

Most of today was spent meditating after a long night meditating.  Sometimes it’s just hard to get up and go these days.  The dogs in the church keep barking and I have to come up with spiritual stuff to keep them happy. 

It’s been a gentle day for the good Bishop.  My image consultant practically had to pile drive my assistant from bothering me – says I need my rest.  Like I always say, “Because of my smile, I make life more beautiful.”

Selena's Rainbow

Dear Friends,

Butterflies and Love to you from Heaven.

So recently I hired this great image consultant from downtown NYC. Flew her to Higgins Road on the company tab.  Ione was pissed but Selena brought this great grab bag for her.   Selena does all these great consults in Manhattan and has all these Victoria’s Secret clients, so you know she’s got to be good with vestments.

Strike that.

I meant to say, “you know she’s gotta be good.” Tells me we need to work on hipspeak.

Anyway, she’s telling me how to refocus, reframe, reformat, and restyle this holy church. It’s a grace infusion – but there’s no infomercial for this product.  We’re gonna be relevant. So Selena comes in like 20 minutes early and bursts into my office and says we need a softer image. I thought things were already pretty soft around here but the voice just isn’t there. Tells me the church needs a new, softer image. Like putty. Rome’s got Mary and the fundies have those hot girls who kissed dating goodbye… time to get on it.

Selena figured a new voice would work.

So we hired Bishop Barbie. Silky long legs and supple, plastic skin make it all easier to swallow. Double rainbow all the way.

So Swartling busts into the room with his panties in a twist – tells me Barbie's not even Lutheran but hell, what does he know?  She grew up Episcopal, but same difference, right?  We don't want new, we want what works. He’s just mad we didn’t use his idea, something about hope and change, and Selena and me both just jumped down his throat and shot him down. Ooooh, Bish-Slapped! 

But like I always say: double rainbow all the way.

Meet Bishop Barbie, my new premier Bishop of the ELCA and the new voice of our Brave New Church. 

Love, 

Bishop Mark