In the spirit of Love, Justice, and the free market, we here at the Brave New Church have a new logo!
How else would you know what the BNC stands for, save for a beautiful new logo which speaks volumes about our mission for the Divine? Thus, without further ado, we here at the Brave New Offices are pleased to unveil:
For those who are Brave New Leaders, we have issued a News Release asking that all of your bulletins, educational materials, and evangelical activity be clearly marked by this holy logo. We’re all in this together to share the New Vision of Radical Tolerance and Free Love! It’s what the Divine calls for in Holy Scripture and we here at the Home Office shall spearhead this project immediately for the sake of Love and free market shares!
*Unless otherwise indicated, this logo is owned by the Brave New Church. All rights reserved.. No part of these pages, either text or image may be used for any purpose other than to promote radical inclusion, tolerance, and Free Love among all nations. Reproduction, modification, storage in a retrieval system or retransmission, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical or otherwise, for reasons other than personal use, is strictly prohibited without prior permission from the Brave New Church office and Bishop Barbie.
*Stop using logo and get emergency medical help if you have sudden vision loss. Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat and feelings of justice and oppression. Seek assistance if you begin having personal opinions and ideas unrelated to tolerance, inclusivity, and Free Love. During Love related activities, if you become dizzy or nauseated, or have pain, numbness, or tingling in your chest, arms, neck, or jaw, stop and call Bishop Barbie right away. You could be having serious side effects from the Brave New Church.
The time has come in our current debates regarding Islam and the Qur’an burning to unleash our most fearsome weapon here at Higgins: the Official Press Release.
We here at the Home Office recognize that radical Love is the order of the day, but when it comes to the dangerous militants at the 50 strong church in Florida threatening disunity with our Muslim brothers and sisters in Christ, we shall wage war using the fiercest of social statements! It is far too dangerous to ignore such silly Islamophobia because between the loud voice of Pastor Terry and friends and the media frenzy surrounding him, others may think we have no need of our fair share of public attention!
While some church bodies may encourage their clergy to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ in Word and Sacrament, incurring Christ-like thoughts, words and deeds which combat hate in this world, it is simply not enough. We must instead ensure the entire world knows our opposition to bigotry, racism, hatred, fear, and the most loathsome of faults, disunity with our Muslim brothers and sisters in Christ not through the Gospel, but by means of a social statement.
It is time to pick up where our brother Martin Luther left off and then some. Luther faced the great Muslim invasions of Europe and he soon had the Mohammidians leaving copies the Qur’an at his doorstep and in hotel rooms. And so, in an astounding act of unity, Luther called for the publication of the Qur’an and Christians to read it! The Reverend Paul McCain noted in his recent article that “Luther knew that side by side, the Bible would overwhelm the Qur’an with its truth and with its message of salvation.” (http://cyberbrethren.com/2010/09/08/burn-the-quran-no-absolutely-not/)
Silly Reverend McCain! The right evangelical answer is to publish the Qur’an from our clearing houses and insert a copy of the social statement as a complimentary bookmark! Certainly the Bible, let alone preaching, teaching, and the Sacraments, won’t help anyone know how to respond to the Qur’an and the Muslim community!
We have come to know in our Brave New Church that the only thing that shall fight the evils of disunity, lovelessness and injustice in our present age is a series of fearless Social Statements. Nothing, not even the preaching and teaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, can do that great work of unity and understanding as the power of the Social Statement.
It is never enough to quell the voices of sin, death, and the power of the devil with preaching and neighborliness! Do not attempt to eat at a table with your Muslim neighbors! Do not invite such people into your churches or attempt faithful and ecumenical conversation! And, at all costs, never tell them about the love of Jesus Christ! To participate in any of the above activities would be offensive to the Muslim people and we do not want to cause this burdened community any heartache by hearing about the Jesus Christ behind our love, vocations, and neighborly care. We are to be a ministry of presence, namely in the presence of our most recent news release!
We must throw our hope on the sharp barbs of our Social Statements! Trust us here at the Brave New Church. We’re professionals.
--
*A short note that in the event the sharp edges are not clear enough:Bishop Barbie condemns the scheduled Qur’an burning. Our Muslim neighbors are in need of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, not fear and hatred on the part of professed Christians. For more reading about Christians and fear, see St. Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 11:23-12:10, Philippians 4, and Hebrews 13 (to name only three). It seems to Bishop Barbie there is more than enough to worry about in our Brave New Church – participating in acts of hatred really eat up precious time.
Peter writes, “What are ‘Butterfly kisses from Heaven’? Is this how Jesus was kissed in Matthew 26:49? Or Paul's holy kiss from Romans 16:16? Do you have to be a bishop to send them, or could I, too, send butterfly kisses from Heaven?”
Oh my dearest Peter! Are you so deprived of Radical Love or repressed that you have never experienced the joy of Butterfly Kisses from Heaven®! We must amend this travesty!
I am deeply impressed that you appear to have read your scripture – in particular the parts where gifts of Radical Love are offered in physical manifestation. A kiss is a tremendously important piece of religious faith and life. In fact, I went to seminary school with at least two others who saw it as their goal and mission to offer physical signs of love with all they came into contact – hugs, kisses, a caress here and there. How terrible it is that we have created so many walls, making true signs of love horribly difficult to impose on our neighbor!
Naturally, a Butterfly Kiss from Heaven is not a kiss of betrayal as you mockingly (I hope) propose from Mt. 26:49. Judas was simply imposing his own worldview on Jesus, as the metaphor of the kiss would suggest in this passage. However, Romans 16:16 is closer to what we in our Brave New Church understand as a Butterfly Kiss from Heaven. Indeed, Paul desires the saints greet one another with the Kiss of Radical Love and Inclusion. Paul’s Kiss suggested that each of the aforementioned saints were clearly PART of the community and not to exist OUTSIDE. Ampliatus, Urbanus, Stachys, Apelles, the household of Aristobulus, Herodion, the household of Narcissus, Tryphena, Tryphosa, Persis, Rufus, Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas and the brothers with them, Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas: All of these people bear such unfortunate and complicated names, perhaps implying unfortunate and complicated lives. Perhaps each of these people struggled in society with identity, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, or political affiliations. Paul was doing his very best to ensure they felt loved and cared for with a physical token of affection.
A Butterfly Kiss is a token of inclusion and Love given from Heaven (where else?) through the proper authoritative succession of Bishops, which I choose to lovingly bestow upon pastors and laypeople alike. Consider it my spiritual gift from me to you. You, yourself may offer Butterfly Kisses from Heaven®, so long as you properly footnote me and the Divine as its official Source and Sponsor.
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven®,
Bishop Barbie
Someone writes, “Bishop is it important to use appropriate liturgical color for finger and toe nails?”
Yes. Tis’ but the work of a moment and yet, liturgically polished nails yield a lifetime of spiritual gain.
Russ writes, “After days and days and simply days of dithering indecision I have at last responded positively to you ‘friend request’ here at Facebook. The more I contemplated your missive, the more pitifully imploring it seemed and that is why I ultimately relented. I should hate to think my refusal for friends...hip is ever the cause of someone else's discomfort. I know that is entirely out of character for a theological conservative such as myself, much preferring the static designations of class oppression and social gender assignments (both vastly underrated by liberals) but I confess you do seem to have caught me in a moment of unaccountable weakness. Soon I shall revert to type and the world will regain it's proper sense of order. You, however, will remain pink, I think.”
(Similarly) Erma writes, "Your Esteemed Bishopess, I must confess that I have resisted being be-friended and reconciled with you. I have been among the dissenters, not just lately, but lo, for many years now. The Brave New Church has been patient with me, but I have been a stubborn German Lutheran type (must be the old Mother Mo' still in me), plotting and scheming for a return of the Retro Old Church. But I have recently had my heart strangely warmed. Reading your postings has, well, welcomed me. And like you, I am vertically challenged. Is there room for me, O highest of blond clericalness?"
Dearest Russ and Erma,
Oh, to dither about is a terrible state of affairs! I am so pleased you finally chose the best path: the path of Love and esteemed Friendship! Thankfully our friendship is based on my imploring of your heart and not on so many “other matters” you choose to categorize so pitiably, such as "conservative" and the like. Truly, can we just all not be people to one another in Love and Friendship? It is to those things I will hold you firmly to account! In fact, we here at the Higgins Road Offices have weekly Accountability Small Groups dedicated specifically to acts of Love! Weekly, we gather together in our trusted small groups and banter about with rich woven tapestries of descriptions about our Acts of Love committed against others! Where we have not Loved enough, proper reeducation is imperative and there is a beneficent group of elderly German women who assist on a volunteer basis. It appears as though Erma was gripped in Holy Love by one of these volunteers and she quickly realized it would be Love or our volunteer that would soon conquer all and so she joined us here in the Brave New Church on our mission to Love the world!
As for my Pinkness, it is a new title I shall consider adding to my list of credentials. Are you aware of any sort of Pinkness Qualifying Program I may seek? Naturally, it must be the sort of program that puts forth my commitment to Free Love, Radical Inclusion, and Tolerance - but then again, that is what being Pink is all about, is it not? We here at the Main Office have put together a research committee who currently study around the clock in order to present a Pink Social Statement at our next Church Wide Assembly. There is a faction of us who deeply believe Pink should be the proper liturgical color of the ELCA. Once this has been decided by the proper scriptural authorities and delegates, we shall move on to name an ELCA-Wide Tree, Bird, and Insect.
I am so thankful to the Divine Goodness in Heaven for your new friendships! Erma, I do believe that over time you will come to bask in the glow of Holy Friendship and Truth, abandoning your scheming ways. We who are vertically challenged must stick together, unwavering in our dedication to show the world how we all can be of great value in the world, regardless of height! I am willing to take upon this cross for your sake. It is good and right to see how my Holy Persistence wears down the resistance of even the hardest of hearts. Love and Friendship win again!
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven, Bishop Barbie
Steve writes, “'ELCA' and denominationalism are both so passe. What we need is some new branding. I suggest THIS CHURCH. (Saw it in some social statements, resolutions, and from your own mouth as PB.) THIS CHURCH. Or is that too exclusive, implying no other churches? Please advise, Your Accessoriness”
Where there is political strife, we shall use Letterhead!
Where there is Israel, we shall send Bishops!
Where there is Hunger, we shall have Banquets!
Where there is marriage, we shall have equity!
Where there is scripture, we shall have concord!
My, my, to think that our holy Denomination shall pass away is to imagine the American dollar would fall into disuse!
We here at the Home Offices are working tirelessly to rebrand and reengage in today’s culture! Bishop Hanson ensures that every public meeting includes a rainbow array of humanity, and that within that rainbow every gender type, prototype, orientation, creed, and religion are equally represented! Our culture today wants equality over truth, and our brand must relay that message at all costs!
As I mentioned previously, I believe Pink may be the proper color for us, but we still seek an ELCA flag, bird, tree, insect, and flower. Have we missed any major or minor categories?
In essence, the ELCA is committed to functioning as state within a state. A light until the states, even. We shall be political! We shall be independent! We shall go to battle until only Love remains!
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie
Mike writes, “Oh great Bishop Barbie, May we all bask in your pinkness and the reflected glory of your mighty pectoral cross. I, a poor wretched sinner, humbly beseech you to answer my two questions:
First, we have many who desire not to continue in the ELCA’s conversation and are joining LCMC or attending the dreadful gathering that shall not be named. How can we teach them the errors of their ways? Looking to the days of Elijah and Elisha I was wondering if we should we pray for fire to come down from heaven or bears to smite them.
Secondly, because your spiritual gifts lie in theology, church governance and fashion, what color was Joseph’s coat?
Dearest Mike,
You are so precious in my sight! It seems you noticed my new bejeweled pectoral wear, bestowed upon me by foreign dignitaries! Indeed, it is encrusted with Love! We are anxiously awaiting a Synod Assembly, Church Wide Assembly, or other public event to display these diplomatic gifts!
My new cross was especially created to match Joseph’s Coat which is carefully being held in a temperature controlled environment in our basement libraries. Perhaps you will see the color and fine fashion design at our next Assembly – particularly during our Eucharistic fashion show?
But onto your most important of questions, which we here at the Home Office find very important and seek to hear all of your questions in truth and Love!
You asked regarding the dreadful actions of “alternative” “denominational” “options.” After 40+ hours of meditation (which I do hope you participated in), Bishop Hanson and I finally came to holy clarity of mind. We decided to ignore such antics. To pray for fire or bears as the ancient prophets did would be to play right into the hand of poor ecumenical form. Just as Elisha and Elijah are lifted up as examples of how NOT to engage with your darling neighbors who differ from you in thought, word, and deed, we here at Higgins have exegeted their stories into action: We shall Love them back home!
By ignoring their behavior and clear misunderstandings of the message of Divine Love we have come to embrace, we shall bring them back to the fold. These heathens seem to think that absolute truth is a thing to be grasped, but like Christ we here at the ELCA do not grasp at Absolute Truth (read Philippians 2:5-7!). It is an unholy sin to reach toward the Divine notions of right and wrong or other moralities. So until the eschaton we trust all things are right and good! The Divine will be so pleased we did not differentiate so as to grasp at Divine absolute truth and fall terribly into sin!
Simply ignore their troublesome behavior, Mike. One day, Love shall win over all and we shall be enveloped by true Love in the Divine! Stay tuned for an upcoming post to support our Bishop Hanson’s letter during the week of “alternative denominational activities.”
Thank you for blessing me with your delightful and honest question!
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, my darlings, I do realize there are a few questions sent that have gone unanswered! Fear not, my Pets, these holy questions shall receive the attention and response deserved in short order! However, I have many committee and task-force meetings to attend this day and so, in short order, must take my leave. I entrust the above answers shall keep you whetted for the time being?
Our Holy Reverend Bishop Hanson has recently graced us with his presence! In a recording from August 14, a mere two weeks ago, he graciously gathered a group of young people from around the country to listen – because that is what Bishop Hanson does best! – and determine how best to serve the needs of our young adults throughout the Lutheran world.
Watch this clip! It is a joy and I expect you will be filled with the delights of spiritual fulfillment!
A young man here asks the imperative question that we here at Higgins bandy about, seeking spiritual answers:
Why Lutheran?
And if Lutheran, why then the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America?
And how our Reverend Bishop ably resolved such a difficult question! We are Lutheran not because we believe anything particular related to scripture or faith, but because we relentlessly define ourselves in how we are related to one another! How we find concord together! That is, after all, what the Book of Concord is all about! We have deep hungerings of the heart and longings for life and they are indeed woven into the rich, bright, and multi-layered tapestry of spiritual expression! Bishop Hanson remarked how our hungering and longings are signs of spiritual desire for a gracious God. A Divine Being that is willing to say, “I Love You!” and “You’re Okay with Me!”
Naturally in order to achieve such spiritual delight, we must seek spiritual intimacy in relationships of all sorts. His Holiness, Mark Hanson is correct: to be Lutheran is to understand the Divine is making me Divine in a Divine community! So long as I am understood and loved in a way that I feel good and can face the world, I can live with ambiguity and uncertainty about the nature of Divinity.
The Good News is finally a matter of Uncertainty! I am always uncomfortable when Lutherans or others here and there seem to think they know what God thinks and wants – especially when it comes to Jesus. There seems to be so much “clarity” in all those theological “discussions.” And what does that yield? Anger. Frustration. Misunderstandings. None of those things make a healthy, long-lasting and loving communal body of joyful, loving, accepted people! Like Bishop Hanson, I trust that the Divine Being will be faithful to me and others no matter what we do, so long as we are in a loving community together. We need to love each other and really mean it!
The best picture of this Holy Divine Gospel I’ve seen is from Little Orphan Annie said to Daddy Warbucks. They sing “Together at Last! Together forever!” They compare their many uncertainties about relationships and resources, but at the end of the day, they sure are happy! That is exactly what the Divine wants for us: uncertainty and loads of happiness and unfettered love!
Hear this song and let Divine Love wash over you today:
Sara wrote, “In anticipation of Mailbag Monday I have to say that I am very excited about Bishop Hanson's town hall mtg. on 9/19 but it seems like a long way off yet. Do you have any suggestions on how to pass the time?”
Dearest Sara,
What an exciting and intriguing questions! Naturally we here at the home office of the Brave New Church are concerned with the Whole Person, especially now as you wait for such a momentous event on September 19! Truly, we here at Higgins can hardly contain ourselves, either! We have placed His Holiness, Bishop Hanson on a strict vegan diet and exercise program so that his skin properly radiates for the cameras. We are also seeking the most faithful, youthful, and colorful among us for cameo appearances!
Goodness – that was nothing short of a commercial! As for your question:
We here at the office have spent millions of dollars investing in our cutting-edge Wellness Wheel. Remember, the Divine says in Isaiah 45:7, “I make weal and create woe” and while in our ELCA devotions we found initial concern that the original text read, “I make WEALTH,” we realized quickly God’s call to make a WHEEL so that we may not face woe. Our wheel reflects the holy will of the Divine to encourage you toward the following:
1.Social Well-Being
2.Emotional Well-Being
3.Physical Well-Being
4.Vocational Well-Being
5.Intellectual Well-Being
6.Financial Well-Being
Naturally if you follow all these steps you shall yield the miraculous benefits of SPIRITUAL Well-Being, which we here at the Brave New Church have achieved!
As you wait for the words of true love, joy, and tolerance from our beknighted Bishop Hanson, I urge you to center yourself on one goal in each section of our wheel. For example, the third of my four personal secretaries has submitted the following goals for my approval:
1.Social Well-Being: Plan an ELCA Social for Bishop Barbie and Friends
2.Emotional Well-Being: Knit a new stole for Bishop Hanson.
3.Physical Well-Being: Schedule Mani-Pedi at downtown spa
4.Vocational Well-Being: Finish calendar of events for October
5.Intellectual Well-Being: Purchase new Anne Lamott book. Read it.
6.Financial Well-Being: Increase ELCA tithe to 20% (at 18% and counting!)
I signed off on her goals just this morning and am so proud of her abilities! Please plan to submit your own 6-step plan toward a Spiritual Wheel of Wholeness in the next few days. Sit in prayer and consider the Divine at work in your life. This is the best way for you to bide your time over the next few weeks as you await Bishop Hanson’s scintillating words!
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie
James writes, “Reverend Barbie, Duchess of Des Plaines and Stewardess of Eton Field (and United flight 2324 to Scranton). The Lord has reveled to me your sure and certain elevation to Holy Mother, Bishop of the Lutheran World Federation. Please, remember me when you come into your kingdom. I remain your most humble servant. Kissing the Sacred Ring.
Dearest James,
I am humbled and honored you would take the time to refer to me by my entire title and given name! So few bother to look up the official forms, much to my dismay. Please know such dedication on your part has been noted and added to your files here at Higgins. We are anxious to elevate not just the Host, but also our dedicated masses to positions of authority and influence as loyalty is clearly identified.
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie
April writes, “Bishop Barbie, I grew up on a farm in Nebraska, and am a part of an "ecumenical denomination", at least that's what I was listed as when I went to the Land of Lutherans for seminary. Please pardon my ignorance, I did not realize there was such deep disagreements among us Lutherans over this hot topic until I went to Minnesota. Maybe you can help clear up some confusion for me. Which is proper and correct: Hot-Dish, or Casserole? Can you point me to a helpful reference in the Bible or the Book of Concord? Potlucks are very dear to my Lutheran Heritage and I believe are a sign of unity. Thank you for continuing the conversation with me, despite our theological differences.”
Dearest April,
What an incisive theological mind! You bring much to our holy table and I am so thankful for your ability to question these deep issues that so often separate us in our faithful community! After mentioning your ecumenical denomination, I feel so moved to ask: are you Calvinist? Papist? Mohammaden? Alternative? Surely you must be a denomination of use to us here at the ELCA headquarters!
As for questions regarding the age-old question of Hot Dish versus Casserole, we here at Higgins are working around the clock to put forward an ecumenical outreach statement that will draw all people together in these matters. Those who speak of Hot Dish are more of the midwestern strain and preternaturally unable to move beyond the tribal lingo of the region. Those from other regions tend to be less concerned about the sanctity of the hot dish, and so you have more ability to work with those individuals.
The following is a helpful chart for you to follow according to region and type (from the Augsburg Confession, Article XXIX on Hot Dish):
Region
Starch
Meat
Cereal
Emulsifier
East
Imported Italian Pasta prepared Al Dente
Sausage or other prize game meats
Organic gluten-free Flakes
Egg and creamy she-crab soup
Midwest
Rice, Potatoes, Overcooked Noodles
Ground Beef or SPAM®
Corn Flakes®
Cream of X soup
South
Grits, Cream of Wheat
Seafood, especially catfish sticks
Corn Flakes®
Cream, Eggs
Southwest
Black, Red, Pinto, Refried Beans
Pulled Carnitas, shredded chicken
Corn Flakes®
Creamed Corn
West Coast
Tofu, Chickpeas, Portabello Mushrooms
Tofu
Tofu Flakes or Granola
Creamed Tofu
Naturally, we here at Higgins are less concerned about the language offered so long as these potlucks and other community gatherings produce the free tolerance and unity we prize so highly!
I’d like to draw your attention to the story of Jacob and Esau from Genesis 25, which is a tale clearly centered on the trouble you identify with casseroles, hot dish, and potlucks:
27 The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was a quiet man, staying among the tents. 28 Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob. 29 Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. 30 He said to Jacob, "Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I'm famished!" (That is why he was also called Edom.) 31Jacob replied, "First sell me your birthright." 32 "Look, I am about to die," Esau said. "What good is the birthright to me?" 33 But Jacob said, "Swear to me first." So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. 34 Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright.
As you can see in this text, potlucks meals are more prized than even a birthright! The point of this story, clearly, is that regardless of what you call the respective hot dish, you should share it and not use it to lord over your brothers and sisters in Christ. Unity is what is most important in our Brave New Church and when fights over potluck meals ensue we find ourselves embroiled in the same troubles as Jacob and Esau.
So go forth and share your potluck meals! Do it in the name of unity!
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie
R Don writes, “I see from your facebook pic that you have a nice pectoral cross, and it looks like you're carrying an altar bible. Do you have a mitre and crozier for special occasions? …Your fondness for pink is well established. You are so resourceful and imaginative, what solutions have you devised to brighten up formal clerical attire--especially episcopal purple?”
Dearest Mr. Wright,
Thank you for pointing out my holy commitment to churchly fashion! It is a sign of Divine Reverence, naturally, and I am committed to leading our Brave New Church in fine style! Recently Ken put together a walk-in closet specifically for my vestment collection and I must say, he did a fine job of installing the special holders and cupboard for the miter and crozier collection. Feel free to come and observe my glorious fashion sense, dedicated to the Divine, of course!
Indeed, I delight in pinks and purples, especially the power of the purple as we know it in society, and I am now using my abilities of resourcefulness and imagination to develop ecumenical solidarity with our partners. For example, the more I wear purple, the less our brave members will identify me as an ELCA member and more in solidarity with our Episcopal leadership! When I choose to decorate my figure with gold and other accoutrements, I am nearly always mistaken for an Orthodox priest!
That is our goal here at the Brave New Church: Fashion in service to ecumenical confusion!
We here on Higgins Road recognize the many of you have had some difficulty interacting with our brave new churchly institution. As a nod of goodwill toward our brave new masses, we have chosen to streamline our voicemail system. Please enjoy our new phone tree and receive it as a sign of our unity and care of the churchly populace.
Thank you for calling our Brave New Church.
For Spanish press 1
For Chinese press 2
For Nuanced Alternative Asian Languages press 3
For Farsi press 4
For Arabic press 5 or chat a few lines of the minaret shouted call to prayer
For Urdu press 6
For Slavic languages press 7 or grunt loudly into the receiver
For Australian press 8
For Reformation style German press 9 or hang up now and never try again
For Malay press 10
For Bahasa Indonesia press 11
For Afrikaans press 12 and kindly note your race and political position held during Apartheid
For all other significant language press 13
For English press 27 and wait. Your English call will be received in the order it was dialed.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 if you are Important
Press 2 if you are Jesus
Press 3 for requests
Press 4 for thanksgiving
Press 5 if you are non-white and interested in church membership
Press 6 if English was not your first language and you would like a paid leadership position
Press 7 for unity-related comments
Press 8 if you are Episcopal
Press 9 if you are a member of CORE
Press 0 if you are an alternative ecumenical partner
Press * for complaints
We’re sorry, all our representatives are busy assisting others right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
A Social Justice and Unity Representative, press 4
A Major Gifts, IRS, or Social Security Representative, press 5
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, followed by denomination, then enter his/her/its social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666 followed by the pound sign).
For answers to nagging questions about conservative topics, sexuality, and other hotly debated topics, please hang up and do not dial again.
Our computers show that you may have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a non-Christian religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor, guru, rabbi, or imam. Thank you and have a heavenly day!
