Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mailbag, er, Tuesday!

My Darlings I must apologize!  I was away observing the joyous events of the Town Hall Meeting which put my Monday posting behind.  Could you ever forgive me?
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven, 
Bishop Barbie

Kay writes, “Dear Bishop Barbie, your Pinkishness,
From the ELCA Churchwide Office BIBLE-READINGS@LISTSERV.ELCA.ORG today was sent the following reading from 2 Kings 17:24-41 (that is in the Bible, in case you forgot). 
"The king of Assyria brought people from Babylon, Cuthah, Avva, Hamath, and Sepharvaim, and placed them in the cities of Samaria in place of the people of Israel; they took possession of Samaria, and settled in its cities. When they first settled there, they did not worship the Lord; therefore the Lord sent lions among them, which killed some of them. ..."
This goes on to tell what God does to those who worship other gods.  How does our Brave New Church explain this reading, in light of the prayers to the goddess Sophia that have been offered by some bishops of the BNC? Anxiously and breathlessly awaiting your answer.

My dearest Kay,


What an insightful question!  We here at the BNC find ourselves in the 7th Level of Heaven when we hear of our constituents reading through the Book of Faith!  I trust you are using our Book of Faith resources?  If not, please see the following link for an exegetical pick-me-up:




Now, you sound like you are in need of pastoral care – perhaps a Ministry of Divine Presence?  Operators here at the BNC HQ are waiting to take your call! 


Your fears and concerns appear to be related to the notion that the Divine would kill those who speak the Divine name wrongly.  We here at the BNC have recognized such confusion about the name of the Divine and resolved to create a liturgical committee to study such matters.  We have discovered the following:


The reason for Divine wrath was because of the SPECIFICITY of the names used!  Those who sought to speak to the Divine used improper and undesirable language about the Divine so that the Divine felt like the Divine was being mocked (no different than my kids on the playground, I suspect). 


In order to avoid messy lion scenarios and bad press, we here at the BNC are committed to avoiding all lion-related problems by using only adjectival descriptions of the Divine!  Furthermore, in the case that Jesus is not the Anointed One, we simply refer exclusively to the Child of God as “the Christ” or “Christ the Lord.”  After all, mentioning the name “Jesus” simply causes confusion and discomfort, does it not?  In the same vein, referring to Sophia simply pronounces how we believe the Divine to be the summation of all Wisdom!  Naturally we desire to avoid insulting the Divine and reaping such terrible wrath.  Therefore, we have expanded our nomenclatural repertoire to the benefit of widening our diverse Believer Base!  The new rules are as follows:


1.    Adjectives Only

2.    Gender specifics out

3.    The More Diverse, the Better!


I hope you will join us, Kay, as we seek greater diversity, tolerance, and unity in utilizing the full of rainbow of names available for the Divine!  After all, you don’t want to be Lion Food, do you?


Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie



Arte writes, "What are your thoughts on these new synods? Which is the true "Lutheran" church?"

Oh my Arne,

Silly you!  Synod simply comes from compounding two Greek words into one (See? Merger!):

1.   SYN” which means “Together”
2.   HODOS” which means “Way” or “the Course”

So, together we find the way!  Remember, the BNC is founded entirely on togetherness and free communion with all.  We must seek ways to see together at all costs!

Generally, we here at the Brave New Church HQ choose to ignore the antics of these “alternative” “Lutheran” sects.  Every now and again, however, we discover leaders, clergy, and other membership behaving non-hoditically and non-cooperatively.  This is terrible treachery!  For as many times as we have sent in Bishops and other staff to properly re-educate and bring these dissenters back into the line of vision we share, there are some who simply cannot be saved.  Have you ever read Stephen King’s Quitters Inc.?  There are simply some who cannot be managed.  While we do not resort to methods of violence (we are full of Love, after all!) we must maintain the holiness and purity of our church and keep a pure roll of employees and copacetic membership.

The true Lutheran church is the church that does not feel the need to call itself Lutheran!  True Lutherans will seek to become unified in a tolerant and Loving front at all costs – even if it means we occasionally must ask some of our leaders to move on to other forms of employment and existence.  These new synods are really no synods at all, my dear Arte.  They are the runoff of those who were unable to be convinced that radical tolerance, unity, and free Love are the Way of the Divine!  Sadly, those “synods” are nothing more than groups of intolerant, angry, homophobic, and mostly white individuals.  We wish them well and when they choose to modify their behavior we shall slowly reintroduce them to our faithful, Loving community.

Arte, please inform my staff as soon as possible the position you are in regarding church membership.  We wish to support you however you come!  All are welcome!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Anonymous writes:
“Dear Her Holiness Bishop Barbie,
I keep noticing the expansion of the inclusivity nomials—GLBTQIA…--and am wondering when those who decide such things (You?) will include polyamors, pedophiles and beastials within the rainbow of sexually diverse orientations?

Also, at the secular university where I live, the G and L are always reversed.  I’m not sure if this is because women are superior or “ladies first.”  What do you think? Also, what about all these titles?  Aren’t we really trying to achieve full egalitarian equality?”

Dearest Anonymous,


I am so pleased to note your commitment to our increasingly welcome worshiping environment! 


Indeed, when the nomenclature was first introduced, the title read, “GLB,” then “GLBT,” now “GLBTQ” and in the most progressive and welcomgin communities it is “LGBTQ.”  The reason for the switch between the ‘L’ and ‘G’ has nothing to do with gender protocols, but with justice.  My dear, those who gender-identify as “female,” have often been oppressed by those who gender-identify as “male.”  Placing the ‘L’ first is yet another subtle way of empowering the oppressed by placing them first in line! 


We here at the Brave New Church Headquarters are working around the clock to manage the flood of new research done on the gender, sexuality, and other variables in order to be most welcoming.  You have mentioned Polyamors and Pedophiles and we have adjusted these titles to P3.  Although you mentioned “Bestiality” which has received such a terribly bad name over time, so we have renamed animal love “Aniamory” and its subsequent “A” to the acronym.  At this point we have only managed to title the expanding welcome sect to:





However, we are looking into the near additions of Narcissamory/Self-Love, Two-Spirit, and Objectum Sexuality.  After all, who are we to judge individual sexual, romantic, gender, and role preference?  In fact, we look forward to the day when all people, places, and things will be able to self identify either as an Androgyn or Genderqueer in order to level all self-expressions of person, sexuality, and interest.  The day shall come when all people shall be judged by the quality of their character and no longer by their personal gender and sexual preferences! 


Dearest Anonymous, I hope I have managed to spearhead your question and give you hope toward a Brave New Future!


Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

1 comment:

  1. Would polygamy fall under polyamory? There is more a sense of commitment but it should be included somewhere. Please, please, please!!!