Monday, September 27, 2010

Mailbag Monday Part I

Mike writes, "Your Eminencess--sometimes it seems to me that the BNC is simply the praying wing of the Democratic Party. Am I wrong? Or are there any BNC positions that a conscientiously-bound conservative like me could support? OR am I and others like me simply in need of reprogramming? Exile? Is there a camp where you would send me?"

Oh my Dear Mike! 

How intuitive you are to see the commitment we have toward the liberal elite – the true chosen party of the Divine! The BNC is working around the clock against every evil scheme of the conservative agenda, seeking to free those like you who are in bondage to Reaganomics and other injustices and cannot free yourself! Furthermore, you have the entire relationship backwards. The Democratic Party is the Justice Wing of Social Action OF THE BNC! You appear to doubt our reach?

But I am concerned you use such terribly excessive language such as “Exile” and “Reprogramming.” Gracious! We shall do no such thing! Rather, we plan to redirect your being toward a new program! Indeed, we have created a new camp just for people who struggle with compulsive conservative impulses!
This new Program is facilitated by the same fine church leaders who create New Image Weight Loss Camp and Scientology for Kids summer camps nationwide! During the initial 7-Day Detox we provide a proprietary schedule of sleep deprivation and ketogenic foodstuffs to calm the neuropaths which influence your political and theological predilections. Mornings begin at 4 a.m. with 3 hours of yoga led by guru specialists flown in from Central Asia followed by a brisk plunge in our lake – the lake which previous successful campers dug and filled as their capstone project toward the beginning of summer! Much of your day will be spent in special lessons from a variety of BNC leaders and educators with special media hours for your viewing pleasure.

Please see an example of the fine work our BNC Experience has caused in even our most difficult cases:

An example of your daily meal includes watching your leaders consume the following on your behalf while you pray for release from your captive soul:

Breakfast: Scrambled egg and apple sauce meal
45 grams whole raw egg
15 grams butter
3 grams nuts
30 grams raw granny smith apple
13 grams fresh olive oil
10 grams regular butter
5 grams thickened Farmers’ Union cream

Lunch: Creamy bacon meal
20 grams raw green capsicum
20 grams raw celery
20 grams raw brown onion
64 grams 35% ideal dairy cream
27 grams lean middle bacon
22 grams Sundew margarine

Dinner: Chicken and vegetable stir-fry
30 grams peeled raw carrot
30 grams raw green capsicum
30 grams raw broccoli
14 grams raw brown onion
23 grams lean raw chicken breast
42 grams olive oil
5 grams commercial soy sauce

As you grow in peace, tolerance, unity, justice, and free Love every day we offer you more and more privileges. After each lecture we allow you to check your progress by means of an E-Meter which audits you Justice and Love-based progress. These specialized machines are on loan from the kind people at the Dianetics Institute of California (Bishop Hanson is close friends with John Travolta and Tom Cruise, allowing such a terrific deal!). Please see more at: Note that while this machine notes your progressive electrical response to a variety of questions, there is no pain involved – only the joy of true Love and recovery!

So join us, Mike, as we journey together faithfully on the road to recovery!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Mary writes, “Bishop Barbie, Not only are you setting the pace for spiritual and social reform in the BNC, but you are making a fashion statement. Who is your designer? Have you considered developing a line of clerical clothing? Marketing such trendy ready-to-wear could assist the BNC making another progressive post-modern move -- promoting prosperity theology.”


Steve writes, “Being an average- or even rather homely-looking person, I must object to your picture-perfect looks. Aren't you being just a little too 'lookist' for the BNC? And is that look in your eyes full radical inclusion or some come-hither deal?”

Oh my darlings Mary and Steve!

I am so glad you see my commitment to whole evangelism and church life! Really, if you are going to act as a Brave New Leader you simply must exist as a Bravely Fashionable person!

The express purpose of fashion is to draw the sights of all men, women, and others into a glorious vision of humanity as we represent tolerance, unity, and free Love! Here are a few examples of ways we have reinterpreted the symbolic nature of the tab collar to show better how we are all part of the Priesthood of All Believers! Even Pop Stars have joined our movement!

You see, Steve, it is imperative that you resolve your homeliness. We here at the Brave New Church simply cannot abide the unattractive in positions of leadership. How else will our critical mass of followers find us attractive if we have not yet undergone the proper makeover and plastic assessment? “Lookist” is never a naughty word, my dear. The “come hither” look you see in my eyes is simply modernspeak for “Come! All are Welcome! All are included! Come hither and join us in our journey toward free Love!”
Will you join me in our Fashionable Journey at the BNC HQ? The Catwalk is simply rife with opportunity!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Eric writes, “Does life consist of anything greater than myself?”

Oh, my dearest Eric!

What an open-minded question! Naturally life consists of something greater than yourself! There are concepts like Justice, Unity, Tolerance, and Love to attend – and do you know where you can participate in all these things in a manner of being greater than just your little old self? That’s right! In the Brave New Church!

Now, it all does begin in the greatness of yourself, whereas you may meditate and look deep inside your being to find the spark of Divinity. In faith, you have Chosen to give the Divine permission to become One with you, empowering your sense of self and self-in-the-world. This is the first step toward becoming greater than yourself – choosing to step beyond the tools you were first given at birth.

Next is declaring membership in the BNC. Once you are one of Us, you have many opportunities to donate money, time, and much energy to our organization! To begin, please place a handkerchief on your computer screen over this blog page and pray with me:

Oh Mother Wisdom Divine,
I pray that You make me Greater than my current Being.
Please grant everlasting Justice, Unity, and Love
to me and all others in this world.
Please bless the Brave New Church in their ongoing work.
Butterfly Kisses from the Earth,

This prayer will be more effective if you can speak it in a language that does not exist in the West. Then wrap a $50.00 bill in this kerchief, mail it to our BNC HQ and wait for an outpouring of personal growth and blessing creating a greater self for you than there was before!
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie


Donavon writes, “Will my theological unicorn go to heaven with me?”
Jon writes, “Related to Donavon's question: will Princess Unicorn go to heaven? "My horn can pierce the sky!"

Oh my darling Mr. Donavon and Jon!
You two are like my own little boys at Christmas! My own little ones occasionally worry that G.I. Joe may not go to the Divine Rest with them, and there has been some recent concern over puppies and kittens alike.
But to answer your question: YES. Oh my goodness, a thousand times over, YES!
The Unicorn is such a powerful representation of the Divine Spirituality poured out for us like Butterfly Kisses from Heaven! Even the beautiful horn points straight to the Spiritual Realm which we all seek to achieve daily, nightly, and ever so rightly! In fact, many days I put on my faux horn just to remind myself of my own spiritual powers and abilities (granted by virtue of my Bishopess Ordination into the Historic and Bishopric Episcopate!). Sadly, though, I wore the horn to bed one night and it accidentally pierced a leaping kitten. Needless to say, my dear little ones and I had to have a difficult conversation about where all theological unicorns go who claim the souls of cute kittens.
Does this effectively answer your query, my dears?
A Brave New Family

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

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