Communications Ministry of Presence

We here on Higgins Road recognize the many of you have had some difficulty interacting with our brave new churchly institution.  As a nod of goodwill toward our brave new masses, we have chosen to streamline our voicemail system.  Please enjoy our new phone tree and receive it as a sign of our unity and care of the churchly populace.

Thank you for calling our Brave New Church.

For Spanish press 1

For Chinese press 2

For Nuanced Alternative Asian Languages press 3

For Farsi press 4

For Arabic press 5 or chat a few lines of the minaret shouted call to prayer

For Urdu press 6

For Slavic languages press 7 or grunt loudly into the receiver

For Australian press 8

For Reformation style German press 9 or hang up now and never try again

For Malay press 10

For Bahasa Indonesia press 11

For Afrikaans press 12 and kindly note your race and political position held during Apartheid

For all other significant language press 13

For English press 27 and wait. Your English call will be received in the order it was dialed.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 if you are Important

Press 2 if you are Jesus

Press 3 for requests

Press 4 for thanksgiving

Press 5 if you are non-white and interested in church membership

Press 6 if English was not your first language and you would like a paid leadership position
Press 7 for unity-related comments

Press 8 if you are Episcopal

Press 9 if you are a member of CORE

Press 0 if you are an alternative ecumenical partner

Press * for complaints

We’re sorry, all our representatives are busy assisting others right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

Bishop Barbie’s Secretary, press 1
Bishop Hanson, press 2
President Obama, press 3

A Social Justice and Unity Representative, press 4

A Major Gifts, IRS, or Social Security Representative, press 5

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, followed by denomination, then enter his/her/its social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666 followed by the pound sign).

For answers to nagging questions about conservative topics, sexuality, and other hotly debated topics, please hang up and do not dial again.

Our computers show that you may have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.  The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a non-Christian religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor, guru, rabbi, or imam. Thank you and have a heavenly day!