Monday, August 9, 2010

Mailbag Monday

Maret writes: “Dear Bishop Barbie, I see on your personal info that you are in an "open relationship." Who is your partner, and how to you make the "open" part work?”


Dear Maret,
Butterfly Kisses to you in the name of our Risen Lord!
It is an honor to be addressed by such a quaint woman as yourself!  Clearly you have marvelously old fashioned notions about “tradition” in the context of “relationship.” 
But please remember, quaint is endearing only when it comes to both you and the Amish.  Old fashioned is a joy in New England marina towns and vacationeries.  However, quaint has no place in our brave new church and I choose to lift myself up as a brave new role model of open love that we see boldly envisioned by God.
My partner is a delightful young man named Ken.  He has flawless skin, cropped blond hair and, as an homage to our current struggle to properly recognize gender differentiation in our church body, he is androgynously assigned – the stature of a man with the sexuality of an androgyn.  Plus he’s a practicing pagan which naturally gives me the spiritual space to experiment on behalf of quaint people like yourself.  Thankfully Ken realizes my love for him is wild and unceasing, but is spiced up with the presence of my many other loves, including Jesus and Allah and Krisha and Goddess, etc. 
The old fashioned people of our great church don’t understand openness, but please understand it’s a matter of caring and true love.  While many people choose to describe their current relationships as “complicated,” Ken’s and my love cannot be pinned down and we are both terribly happy.  It’s open, not complicated.  Ours is an earthly love with the openness of spirit.  As your head Bishop of the ELCA, I urge you to reflect the love of God and unbind yourself from the shackles of tradition as a religious exercise, no different than meditating or walking a labyrinth.  If you are married, please begin to use the language of “partnered.”  It’s the right thing to do and shows our disenfranchised members that we won’t be married until anyone, everyone, and everything can be wed.
In fact, start exploring the riches of an open spiritual relationship.  As your spiritual leader, I find myself delighting in the spiritual riches of my local Hindu temple and in the company of Scientology therapists - and in the wake of the nasty squabbles in New York City, I wore my pontifical adornments to worship at my local mosque last Friday.  There is nothing more refreshing than dabbling about with God AND your partner.
Bottom line:  Don’t limit yourself, dear Maret.  One husband? One name for God?  Heck, even one God?  The ELCA has options. 
Bravely Yours,
Bishop Barbie


Mark asked: “Bishop Barbie, Augsburg Grad. Could it be any other way?

Dearest Mark,
I knew one day I would rise to the top in all matters of spirituality, wealth, and power.  Augsburg gave me the necessary prerequisite credentials for my work while also offering helpful exposure to the importance of green living, veganism, alternative sexual orientations, and good grammar.  This must be the way it is at most ELCA institutions.
Naturally under my leadership, we will be investigating such issues among all our churchly educational institutions.  Every student should have the opportunity for a well-rounded cultural education, if for no other reason than to ensure commensurate pliability in our brave new church. 
It could have been another way, naturally, but Augsburg taught me everything I needed to rise to the top, like cream fresh from the Bovine-American.
Bishop Barbie

Bryce writes, “Why is/would going to "Minnehaha Academay" be important for your development and spiritual journey to the enlightened state you now are in?”

My dear Bryce,
I was forced to follow the path chosen for me by my parents.  However, much like my educational experience at Augsburg, I found unmatched opportunities. 
For example, I met a young man named Mark Hanson and knew that if I simply put forth enough effort I could surpass his spirituality and become the true heir and guru of the ELCA bishop’s throne.   
Butterfly Kisses,
Bishop Barbie

No comments:

Post a Comment