Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Selena's Rainbow

Dear Friends,

Butterflies and Love to you from Heaven.

So recently I hired this great image consultant from downtown NYC. Flew her to Higgins Road on the company tab.  Ione was pissed but Selena brought this great grab bag for her.   Selena does all these great consults in Manhattan and has all these Victoria’s Secret clients, so you know she’s got to be good with vestments.

Strike that.

I meant to say, “you know she’s gotta be good.” Tells me we need to work on hipspeak.

Anyway, she’s telling me how to refocus, reframe, reformat, and restyle this holy church. It’s a grace infusion – but there’s no infomercial for this product.  We’re gonna be relevant. So Selena comes in like 20 minutes early and bursts into my office and says we need a softer image. I thought things were already pretty soft around here but the voice just isn’t there. Tells me the church needs a new, softer image. Like putty. Rome’s got Mary and the fundies have those hot girls who kissed dating goodbye… time to get on it.

Selena figured a new voice would work.

So we hired Bishop Barbie. Silky long legs and supple, plastic skin make it all easier to swallow. Double rainbow all the way.

So Swartling busts into the room with his panties in a twist – tells me Barbie's not even Lutheran but hell, what does he know?  She grew up Episcopal, but same difference, right?  We don't want new, we want what works. He’s just mad we didn’t use his idea, something about hope and change, and Selena and me both just jumped down his throat and shot him down. Ooooh, Bish-Slapped! 

But like I always say: double rainbow all the way.

Meet Bishop Barbie, my new premier Bishop of the ELCA and the new voice of our Brave New Church. 

Bishop Mark

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