Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Mailbag Monday

Dearest Doves,

Many apologies for the delay.  Naturally many of you have wondered about my health and whereabouts. Sadly, I suffered an ear infection and it was mere torture to listen to anyone's perspectives on any one thing - let alone a sermon. So in the name of churchly unity I recused myself to the den and allowed Ken to bring me hot water with lemon.  Yet, now I have regained the strength to respond to my burgeoning bourgeois fan base. 

Love Always, Bishop Barbie

Rodrigo writes, “I'm an inner Lutheran and want to do graduate studies at a Lutheran Seminary. All of my friends say that Luther Seminary in Minnesota is the way to go. What do you think? I'm into personal and Church growth.”

Dearest Rodrigo,
The path toward Lutheran enlightenment begins with a single step.  I commend your spiritual interests and your future at one of our fine American institutions.  Naturally I am delighted that a non-white male, beautifully caramel with such strong Asian features is interested in the ministry.  You will help immensely with our demographic goals.  Please encourage your friends as well. 
Now, your question about Seminary is quite interesting and complex.  My first concern is your self-description as an “Inner Lutheran.”  Is this a Singaporean construct or English misnomer?  Or has the church in Singapore simply been so missionally stunted that you do not understand that to be truly Lutheran is to not be Lutheran at all, but spiritually free like the bird, the antelope, or the Calvinist? 
My advice to you is to develop an inner self of justice, love, and butterflies.  Only then will you truly know the Divine self that the God[dess] has planted within you.  I see that you work now among prostitutes and other wayfaring gypsies.  Please send me a sermon or two so that I might ensure you are not insinuating that those you serve ought to reconsider their holy vocation.  Luther once said, “if there were no prostitute to serve the town, it is the duty of the Christian to fill in.”
Who are these friends of yours advising Luther Seminary?  Naturally there may be some faculty with who you may develop a meaningful and spiritual relationship.  There have been tales regaled here on Higgins about candles burnt in classrooms as representatives of the Holy Ghostself.  One of my Bishop colleagues preached there a few years back and finally acknowledging that we no longer need the instruction of scripture.  I, myself, went to school elsewhere and fully support alternative schooling, for example taking three years at an Ashram prior to your Lutheran year.
As you choose an institution of higher learning simply ensure that such learning is free-spirited and well balanced.  That will best serve your interests in personal and church growth.  A location that clearly embraces and encourages the reality that there is no one answer and idealizes your nationality, otherness, and work in the Geylang districts would be the best choice. 
Tell me more about your darling fiancée? 
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Daniel writes, “Who will be the next group with whom our fine church will enter full communion? With what kind of spirit are you endowing the Department of Ecumenical Relationships?”

Daniel, my Pet,
Our Brave New Church is naturally extending offers to all bodies interested in peace, love, and unity.  For too long churches have been doctrinally and biblically focused when in reality these foci only dug trenches of hatred between us.  Jesus did not teach hatred, Daniel, and neither will Higgins. 
But more to the point of your question, I prefer to focus on the churches and institutions we will NOT seek to engage full communion.  These are the churches and bodies that embody hatred and division and it is our holy duty to oust them for their true identity.  For example, historic African-American churches build walls around their churches as they focus on the words of scripture that exclude the GLBT community.  How offensive!  We used to seek the company of other-hued individuals, but it was a fruitless endeavour as they would not bend to our theological needs and agenda. 
Secondly, we will not be seeking a relationship with any of the Orthodox community.  Between their ethnic titles and grandiose patriarchate, they seem to hang with a tight death grip on their cultural values rather than embrace the visionary mind of the ELCA.  However, we have called in moles to observe their high church liturgies and steal some of the art and design riches displayed in orthodox places of worship.  The more religious we appear the more open we become.  Art opens the heart, whilst before the Bible closed the soul. 
Furthermore, we are avidly creating a new series of liturgies in the form of a MadLib.  You will now be able to fill in the pronouns of your choice along with titles and descriptors of deity as you feel most comfortable.  As you listen closely to the noun, verb, adjective, and preposition choices (et. al.) you will be enabled to open your heart and mind to worshippers around you and create a new and effective spiritual experience every time you meet. 
Stay tuned to an upcoming blog for a sample packet of this emerging, cutting edge liturgical style. 
Dearest Daniel, I hope this answers your question with appropriate vagueness, all the while inspiring hope and joy within your heart!
Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

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